In This Corner...

So, I went on another job interview today. This company had actually called me twice, the first time, I didn't return the call, because it mentioned something about "inside sales" and that made me a little nervous. When they called a second time, and set up an interview for the next day, I thought for sure, they need someone desperately, and soon. This was not to be.

As usual, this was only round one in the boxing match for fighting one's way to getting a job. It went something like this today:

"Today is the first round, and then we'll bring people back for a second interview. If that goes well, we'll have a third interview, where we will interrogate you with a Taekwondo master on hand, and you will be hooked up with an electronic gadget and a lie detector test while you are tied to a chair with rope. At that point, we will determine if you are telling the truth about your previous employment, and each time it doesn't prove out, an electric shock will be sent to your brain, and our man will practice some torture methods on you."

"Wow," I said, "You really are thorough in choosing an employee."

"Oh, that's nothing. You should see what happens if you make it to the fifth interview!"

And so it goes. Employers like to make a fun game out of hiring pathetic unemployed people like me. You get all gussied up, looking your best, practicing in front of a mirror answers to lame questions like, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" My answer to that is simple, in an insane asylum from having been abused and tortured by potential employers like you!

One interviewer asked me what I didn't like about one of my jobs.

"Well, I had this one boss, she was a real bitch. I used to sit at my desk and dream up ways to kill her. One time, I gave her four flat tires and tried to run her over while she was getting help. Another time, I put this stuff in her coffee; she went home early but showed up for work the next day. Does that answer your question?"

He must have been duly impressed with that answer because he was nice enough to call another employee in to walk me out to my car.

I know I'll get a job eventually. Someone out there really needs me.