Fat, But not an Actress

Tomorrow is the big premier of Kirstie Alley's new show "Fat Actress." I'm excited because I too, am fat. But to clarify, I'm NOT an actress. However, I'm starting another "Big Diet" tomorrow, maybe even inspired by this show. It's one of many diets I've been on over the years.

My last one was successful, having lost about 50 pounds in, oh, about 6 months. But alas, after a few years, back surgery, and a new boyfriend (who claims he loves "all" of me) I gained it all back. I consider him responsible for 99 percent of my weight gain, but that's subject for another blog. I even wrote about my successful weight loss, because at the time I was working for a local newspaper, but now I have to face my critics and tell the world - I'm fat again.

Kirstie, honey, from the previews I've seen, honestly, the show looks kind of ridiculous. I for one, have never weighed myself and started crying and rolling around on the floor. Although for a large woman, this may be an ideal way to clean the bathroom floor, in one giant sweep. Usually I head for the kitchen and stuff my face. Also, how many of us, realistically, will get a call from Jenny Craig asking us to be a spokersperson? People don't know me as well as Kirstie, but I know I could make one heck of a spokeswoman.

Which leads me to wonder, did Kirstie gain all this weight with the Fat Actress sitcom in the wings, knowing she'd probably be touted for a weight loss program, just like Sarah the former duchess of Pork did for Weight Watchers? Or Anna Nicole-Smith and TrimSpa?

I read Kirstie's post on the Jenny Craig Website, and she claims she doesn not have a chef preparing her gourmet diet meals, (yeah, right) like Oprah and many others with tons of money have. (I have tons of fat, but not tons of money.) These stars all have personal trainers, people who are paid handsomely to motivate them and get their fat selves in gear. No wonder J Lo looks as good as she does, even with that big butt.

Anyway, I'm going to watch Kirstie's show, because there's really nothing else on at 10 p.m. on Monday night, and I want to see just how fat she is. I'm better looking and younger than her, so I have that to my advantage. But I am fatter than her, and she has more money than me... hmm. And by the way, I don't like her dyed blonde hair, she looked much better as a brunette.

I am well over 200 pounds, my waist measurement is probably the average woman's height, and I'm fairly tall, 5'9". I'm hoping miraculously that at age 41, I still have a lot of growing to do, at least about four more feet, so I can bypass this whole painful diet thing. According to the weight charts, I should be about 9 feet tall for my weight, or at my present height, I need to lose about 100 pounds.

I'm not planning on doing low-carbs, the South Beach Diet, or any other mass-marketed diet. I will do exactly what I did six years ago - well- almost. At that time I did Tae-Bo several times a week, (not so sure about that with my back) walking on the bike trail with a friend, and simply watched what I ate, cutting down on fat, and downsizing portions, from three plates of dinner to two... Two wonderful platefulls of roast beef, with mashed potatoes, swimming in butter and gravy, biscuits... and oh, sorry. There I go again. OK, one lousy plate of a cassette sized piece of meat and some veggies. How exciting.

I'm hoping other Pittsburgher's will join me in the quest, or should I say "Piggsburgher's." Even if you're not from the area, I'd love to hear your opinion on Kirstie's show, and other weighty matters. Till next post, Emkay