As a 7-year veteran of online dating, I have made a lot of observations about dating, men, life and relationships.
I had my very first online dating experience in 2003. Back then I was a bright-eyed, naïve, inexperienced young woman, determined to find a man, and in short order! I was completely trusting of people; if their profile said such-and-such, well then, it had to be true!
In these years of online dating, I have been lied to, stood up, cursed out; have been the recipient of nasty emails and text messages that would make a truck driver blush, have been led on and dumped, have had men initiate unwanted phone, text and cyber sex, have walked out on dates and had them walk out on me, have conversed for weeks and had the other party disappear without explanation, (and two years later ask me out again) and other experiences I have since blocked out in my mind as a coping mechanism.
My very first online date’s profile said he was single, made over $100k a year as horse trainer, lived in a house alone and was all around just a great guy. Awesome! By our third date, he admitted that in reality, he had previously been homeless in New York City for 6 years, lived with his ex-girlfriend in her basement until she could get rid of him, didn’t have a job, car, or a driver’s license. And those were his good points. He was addicted to prescription painkillers, had a thing for porn, was a gambling addict, and was a pathological liar.
One date met me at an Italian restaurant. Our waitress came over after the meal and announced his credit card had been declined. I didn’t have enough money to pay the bill and I sure wasn’t going to do dishes. He seemed a little weird anyway what with the mumbling to himself and all, so I excused myself, went to the ladies room, and began crawling through the ventilation system so I could make my escape without him seeing me.
One thirty-something woman watched me with amusement, commenting, “Bad date, huh?”
Another date began crying over his angel hair pasta. His wife just left him and they’d been married for 22 years. I tried to console him, assuring him he was a great guy. He speed-dialed his psychologist and spent 45 minutes on the phone with him, until I finally realized there was no one on the other end.
Again I excused myself, escaping through the kitchen, but he was outside heading towards my car. Luckily, a police car was driving past and I flagged him down. I just said, “Bad date!” He said, “Hop on in” and he took me home.
Then there was the 5-hour trip to western Ohio to meet a guy who I’d been chatting online with for about 6 weeks. It really seemed promising. When I stepped out of the car he seemed hesitant to come over.
“I thought you were blond and 5 feet 2 inches?” my date said.
“I never said that. I thought you were Caucasian and at least 4 feet tall?”
Unruffled after years of dating abuse, I shrugged my shoulders, calmly got back in my car and said, “See ya.”
After a while it just came full circle. I no longer cared if I was lied to, or if they were featured on America’s Most Wanted. I wasn’t looking for a man to marry; I was merely meeting new people and out to have fun.
One New Year’s Eve I was set to go out with a guy for the first time. I got ready, full on makeup, high heels and sexy dress. When I arrived at our appointed destination, I noticed he was dressed well too – in drag. I wasn’t going to let that spoil the fun of a good New Year’s Eve!
So now it just kind of goes like this as I sit down with my first date:
“So what’s your deal? Did you cheat on your wife, shoot her lover, break out of prison, or rob an old lady? Are you a closet homosexual? Or are you a druggie with 19 kids in 12 different states?
Mostly they just gaze at me with their head cocked and they become speechless. Some walk out. Some of them laugh and say, “Yeah, I was just going to ask you pretty much the same thing.” Those are the ones I get along with best; seasoned dating veterans like me who have even worse stories to tell; those who have been crushed, trampled, scorched and tortured by this wonderful experience of internet dating.
I must go -- another date waits.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Acing the Interview
Job interviews have become extremely competitive in this tough economy, where college graduates are applying for entry-level jobs, jobs that I, less educated, would previously have snubbed my nose at. But you have to take what you can get, no matter how low-paying, how far away or how menial the tasks you will be performing.
My last job interview was interesting. This one company called and set up an interview for the next day, so I thought for sure they need someone desperately and soon, and the job was mine.
Employers like to make a twisted game out of interviewing pathetic unemployed people like me. As usual, this first interview was only round one in the boxing ring fighting to get a job. The recruiter told us how it would be:
“Today is the first round, and out of that group we will select those who will be brought back for a second interview. If that goes well, we’ll have a third interview, where we will interrogate you with a Tae Kwon Do master on hand. You will be hooked up to an electronic gadget and a lie detector test while you are tied to a chair with rope. At that point, we will determine if you are telling the truth about your previous employment and each time it doesn’t prove out, an electric shock will be sent to your brain, and our man will practice some torture methods on you.”
“Hmm,” I said, “You really are thorough in choosing an employee.”
“Oh, that’s nothing. You should see what happens if you make it to the fifth interview!”
And so it goes. Since I’d had other interviews where I followed the known advice to the letter as far as how to answer the interview questions, I decided this time I would answer the questions honestly, to see if I would fare any better.
It’s always the same redundant, predictable questions at an interview. The interview went something like this:
“What was something you didn’t like about one of your jobs, and how did you handle it?
“Well, I had this one boss, she was a real witch. I used to sit at my desk and dream up ways to kill her. One time, I gave her four flat tires and tried to run her over while she was getting help. Another time, I put this stuff in her coffee; she went home early but showed up for work the next day. I was quite surprised.”
There was a long pause as he gripped the phone in front of him tightly and his eyes darted over my head, gazing out the window, viewing the sane, employed people there, going about their tasks.
Then he kind of smirked, took his hand off the phone, and leaned back in his chair.
“Does that answer your question?” I asked, and gave him my million-dollar smile.
“Why did you apply for this position?”
“I applied for this position because I am a go-getter who has a sincere longing to line my pockets with change. Even though this position is paying well under what it should be for the work you are requiring, I spent hours getting primped so I could compete with the 118 other people in your lobby, and hoping I’ll impress you with my answers.”
“What motivates you?”
“I am motivated by a desire to eat, and not just at McDonalds, but places like Applebee’s and Outback Steakhouse. Additionally, I’m currently two months behind on my cable and Internet bill and will really lose it if they shut it off.”
“How do you establish a working relationship with new people?”
“I like to establish relationships with others by letting them know right away I’m a prima donna. Things must be done my way. I don’t like to work too hard, because, let's face it, we all need to text and instant message while at work and I can’t let too much work get in the way of that.”
“How are your computer skills?”
“Hell, when I’m messaging someone online, I’m a pretty fast typist, especially if its someone I met on a dating site and we’re planning a date.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Oh that’s an easy one. In an insane asylum from having been abused and tortured by potential employers like you!”
He must have been impressed with my answers because he was nice enough to call another employee and security in to walk me out to my car.
I know I’ll get a job eventually. Somebody out there really needs me.
www.pittsburghdietdiaries.blogspot.com
© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
My last job interview was interesting. This one company called and set up an interview for the next day, so I thought for sure they need someone desperately and soon, and the job was mine.
Employers like to make a twisted game out of interviewing pathetic unemployed people like me. As usual, this first interview was only round one in the boxing ring fighting to get a job. The recruiter told us how it would be:
“Today is the first round, and out of that group we will select those who will be brought back for a second interview. If that goes well, we’ll have a third interview, where we will interrogate you with a Tae Kwon Do master on hand. You will be hooked up to an electronic gadget and a lie detector test while you are tied to a chair with rope. At that point, we will determine if you are telling the truth about your previous employment and each time it doesn’t prove out, an electric shock will be sent to your brain, and our man will practice some torture methods on you.”
“Hmm,” I said, “You really are thorough in choosing an employee.”
“Oh, that’s nothing. You should see what happens if you make it to the fifth interview!”
And so it goes. Since I’d had other interviews where I followed the known advice to the letter as far as how to answer the interview questions, I decided this time I would answer the questions honestly, to see if I would fare any better.
It’s always the same redundant, predictable questions at an interview. The interview went something like this:
“What was something you didn’t like about one of your jobs, and how did you handle it?
“Well, I had this one boss, she was a real witch. I used to sit at my desk and dream up ways to kill her. One time, I gave her four flat tires and tried to run her over while she was getting help. Another time, I put this stuff in her coffee; she went home early but showed up for work the next day. I was quite surprised.”
There was a long pause as he gripped the phone in front of him tightly and his eyes darted over my head, gazing out the window, viewing the sane, employed people there, going about their tasks.
Then he kind of smirked, took his hand off the phone, and leaned back in his chair.
“Does that answer your question?” I asked, and gave him my million-dollar smile.
“Why did you apply for this position?”
“I applied for this position because I am a go-getter who has a sincere longing to line my pockets with change. Even though this position is paying well under what it should be for the work you are requiring, I spent hours getting primped so I could compete with the 118 other people in your lobby, and hoping I’ll impress you with my answers.”
“What motivates you?”
“I am motivated by a desire to eat, and not just at McDonalds, but places like Applebee’s and Outback Steakhouse. Additionally, I’m currently two months behind on my cable and Internet bill and will really lose it if they shut it off.”
“How do you establish a working relationship with new people?”
“I like to establish relationships with others by letting them know right away I’m a prima donna. Things must be done my way. I don’t like to work too hard, because, let's face it, we all need to text and instant message while at work and I can’t let too much work get in the way of that.”
“How are your computer skills?”
“Hell, when I’m messaging someone online, I’m a pretty fast typist, especially if its someone I met on a dating site and we’re planning a date.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Oh that’s an easy one. In an insane asylum from having been abused and tortured by potential employers like you!”
He must have been impressed with my answers because he was nice enough to call another employee and security in to walk me out to my car.
I know I’ll get a job eventually. Somebody out there really needs me.
www.pittsburghdietdiaries.blogspot.com
© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
Woman Cooks after 12 Years
MCKEESPORT Penn. - Reports have been surfacing from a suburb of Pittsburgh, Penn., that a woman who was cookless for 12 years, cooked dinner three nights ago. It was also reported that her daughter has been hospitalized, not from eating her mother’s cooking, but from going into shock at the sight of her mother preparing food in the kitchen.
Megan Kirchhoff, 23, is said to be in stable condition after the cooking-induced state of shock she went into upon entering the kitchen.
“I couldn’t believe it when I walked into the apartment,” Megan said from her hospital bed. I could smell vaguely familiar scents… I had flashbacks to my childhood when my mom used to cook dinner every night.”
Mary Kirchhoff, 46, swore off cooking 12 years ago and has been surviving on McDonalds, M&M’s, Dorito’s, and cans of tomato soup. Unfamiliar with grocery shopping for dinner items and fearing she would not be able to pull off cooking a meal after so long, she consulted her psychiatrist.
After a lengthy meeting, Mary said, “He encouraged me and told me I could get through it… that if I did if before I could do it again. I had a lot of issues with the whole cooking thing, particularly with the mess it makes. Towards the end of my old cooking days, the dishes just got thrown in the bathtub or tossed out.”
So just what was it that prompted Mary to finally cook again?
“Well, I have a new kitten. She likes to hang out in the refrigerator, among other places. She doesn’t realize its cold in there, I guess. Recently she snuck in and was there for probably about 15 minutes when I heard her crying. I rushed to get her out. I was petting her and comforting her and saying to her, “Refrigerators aren’t for kitties, they’re for food. You wouldn’t want someone to mistake you for a piece of meat and cook you, would you?” I said to her.
“All of a sudden I had memories of me standing over the stove, stirring things and using an oven and adding spices to stuff. It was cathartic.”
Mary says at that moment she decided it was time to cook a meal for her and her daughter, no matter how difficult, how expensive and how inconvenient.
“You know, I just can’t believe people do this every night,” Mary said. “There’s just so much to do and think about. I had to clear my entire day; I took the day off work, took my phone off the hook and made sure my laundry was done. I told my friends and family what I was doing ahead of time, in case something went wrong. I mean, your talking about putting an oven on at 350 degrees. My God, anything can happen!”
Mary says the supermarket part of it was very difficult. Not having been in a store to purchase dinner food items for many years, she was astonished at the prices of meat, breadcrumbs and eggs, and the overwhelming amounts of brands to choose from.
“How do people do it?” Mary asked. “And why would they want to do it every night? I mean, you have to go out and get all these special ingredients, stuff like Italian seasoning and mozzarella cheese. Is it really worth all that? It’s so much easier to get a Big Mac extra value meal, and there’s never any waste.”
Mary said she cooked chicken cutlet Parmesan, and that particular meal was no coincidence. She says her brother Kevin regularly cooks it at family gatherings and she wanted to prove she could make it just as good as him.
So how did it come out?
“It was great,” Mary said, “Very tasty, but I don’t know if it was as good as Kevin’s. We will have to have a cook-off in a few years.”
It wasn’t without its problems though, she said. Halfway through dipping the chicken into the eggs, her hands covered in a raw egg and breadcrumb mixture, someone showed up buzzing at her apartment door.
“I freaked. That was not part of the plan. I needed my complete attention focused on the task. I grabbed the chef’s knife on the counter I’d been using and stormed out to the door. It was the UPS guy.”
“Get out of here!” I screamed, wielding the knife. “Can’t you see I’m cooking!!!”
“I guess he got the message because he left in a hurry. He didn’t even bother to drop off the package. Maybe I should have saved him a piece of chicken…” Mary said.
The police did arrive at Mary’s residence, but after speaking with her and tasting her meal, no charges were filed for the UPS/knife incident.
Mary is said to be taking a break from cooking again for a while.
Megan Kirchhoff, 23, is said to be in stable condition after the cooking-induced state of shock she went into upon entering the kitchen.
“I couldn’t believe it when I walked into the apartment,” Megan said from her hospital bed. I could smell vaguely familiar scents… I had flashbacks to my childhood when my mom used to cook dinner every night.”
Mary Kirchhoff, 46, swore off cooking 12 years ago and has been surviving on McDonalds, M&M’s, Dorito’s, and cans of tomato soup. Unfamiliar with grocery shopping for dinner items and fearing she would not be able to pull off cooking a meal after so long, she consulted her psychiatrist.
After a lengthy meeting, Mary said, “He encouraged me and told me I could get through it… that if I did if before I could do it again. I had a lot of issues with the whole cooking thing, particularly with the mess it makes. Towards the end of my old cooking days, the dishes just got thrown in the bathtub or tossed out.”
So just what was it that prompted Mary to finally cook again?
“Well, I have a new kitten. She likes to hang out in the refrigerator, among other places. She doesn’t realize its cold in there, I guess. Recently she snuck in and was there for probably about 15 minutes when I heard her crying. I rushed to get her out. I was petting her and comforting her and saying to her, “Refrigerators aren’t for kitties, they’re for food. You wouldn’t want someone to mistake you for a piece of meat and cook you, would you?” I said to her.
“All of a sudden I had memories of me standing over the stove, stirring things and using an oven and adding spices to stuff. It was cathartic.”
Mary says at that moment she decided it was time to cook a meal for her and her daughter, no matter how difficult, how expensive and how inconvenient.
“You know, I just can’t believe people do this every night,” Mary said. “There’s just so much to do and think about. I had to clear my entire day; I took the day off work, took my phone off the hook and made sure my laundry was done. I told my friends and family what I was doing ahead of time, in case something went wrong. I mean, your talking about putting an oven on at 350 degrees. My God, anything can happen!”
Mary says the supermarket part of it was very difficult. Not having been in a store to purchase dinner food items for many years, she was astonished at the prices of meat, breadcrumbs and eggs, and the overwhelming amounts of brands to choose from.
“How do people do it?” Mary asked. “And why would they want to do it every night? I mean, you have to go out and get all these special ingredients, stuff like Italian seasoning and mozzarella cheese. Is it really worth all that? It’s so much easier to get a Big Mac extra value meal, and there’s never any waste.”
Mary said she cooked chicken cutlet Parmesan, and that particular meal was no coincidence. She says her brother Kevin regularly cooks it at family gatherings and she wanted to prove she could make it just as good as him.
So how did it come out?
“It was great,” Mary said, “Very tasty, but I don’t know if it was as good as Kevin’s. We will have to have a cook-off in a few years.”
It wasn’t without its problems though, she said. Halfway through dipping the chicken into the eggs, her hands covered in a raw egg and breadcrumb mixture, someone showed up buzzing at her apartment door.
“I freaked. That was not part of the plan. I needed my complete attention focused on the task. I grabbed the chef’s knife on the counter I’d been using and stormed out to the door. It was the UPS guy.”
“Get out of here!” I screamed, wielding the knife. “Can’t you see I’m cooking!!!”
“I guess he got the message because he left in a hurry. He didn’t even bother to drop off the package. Maybe I should have saved him a piece of chicken…” Mary said.
The police did arrive at Mary’s residence, but after speaking with her and tasting her meal, no charges were filed for the UPS/knife incident.
Mary is said to be taking a break from cooking again for a while.
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